I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
