he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
