I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
