I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
