Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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