I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
