Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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