I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
