i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
