i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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