i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
this is an emotional support booty call
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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