Plan B is the new Plan A
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize