are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
