Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
