When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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