I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
