So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
