gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize