I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
