How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
