I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
