It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize