question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
