apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
