I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
