woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
A bitchslap is in order.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
