Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
