I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize