his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
