how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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