im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
