it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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