I faked an abortion last night.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
