so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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