she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
