you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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