I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
