I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
