i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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