yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
