got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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