I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
