I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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