My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
