I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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