i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
