My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize