We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
