All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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