it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
