He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
