are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
