Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
