the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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