My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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