I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
