Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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