I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
