He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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